How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

Many people think they already know their partner, yet often, there is much more to learn.  There are many searchable questionnaires one can find on the internet to discover aspects of each partner’s childhood, as well as job, travel, love, and even food preferences. Knowing these can help reduce friction in the relationship. 

However, in my experience as a couples therapist, people come believing that they already know their partner. When in reality they are just assuming the meaning or actions of their partner. They often presume that a certain behavior, whether it is a comeback statement, or a “controlling” sort of behavior, is out to hurt them. Great misunderstandings ensue that lead to much hurt and resentment.

Believing You Know Each Other – Until You Don’t

Most come to couples therapy to resolve these issues of misunderstanding. Is the behavior to control, avoid, deceive, or is it actually an attempt to help or connect? A while back, a couple came to therapy seeking to resolve several issues they were having. They had been married for many years and were now empty nesters. With that came many unresolved hurts and resentments that had piled up. Ultimately they had decided they were facing separation - each positioned in their own corner. 

They both took for granted that they already knew who the other was. They figured that these issues meant they had grown apart and nothing could repair their relationship. Couples counseling was a last ditch effort to see if they could make their marriage work.

The Illusion of Knowing 

I have a certain structured communication exercise I use when I work with couples.  I call it the “Talking and Listening” exercise. This exercise has specific rules of engagement and procedures to encourage couples to talk to each other. The exercise often results in clarifying the meaning of each person’s actions and own ways of communicating.

In this case, the husband was trying to explain the meaning of some of his responses to some of her actions. Talking and listening in the specific structured way I had implemented helped the husband clarify his intentions. The wife realized that her assumptions, though understandable, were incorrect. All of a sudden, what they believed about each other changed. 

That moment of clarity shifted the dynamic between them. With great relief, the healing had begun. Over time, they were laughing and enjoying each other again.

How Well Do You Really Know Your Partner?

How well do you know your partner?  

It’s natural to believe that after years together navigating routines, raising children, managing a household, you know your partner inside and out. You know their favorite meals, how they take their coffee, and what show they’ll fall asleep watching. But emotional intimacy goes far deeper than shared habits or surface-level facts.

Real understanding means being curious about your partner’s inner world, their fears, dreams, insecurities, and intentions. It means asking, “What does that mean to you?” instead of assuming you already know. Over time, we all change and evolve. If we stop asking questions or checking in emotionally we risk growing apart even if we still share the same space.

The Power of Clarifying Communication in Couples Counseling

Are hurts and resentments dominating your relationship?  Are you making space for curiosity, empathy, and change? 

In couples therapy, I work hard for clarification so that partners understand and empathize with each other. What I’ve seen time and again is that with the right support and structure, healing is absolutely possible. I provide a safe and compassionate space where each partner can be heard and understood, often for the first time in a long time.

Using tools like my structured “Talking and Listening” exercise, I help couples navigate communication through different stages in their relationship to uncover the deeper emotions behind their behaviors. Together, we work for positive changes that last.

How We Can Help

If you’re ready to explore what’s possible for your relationship, reach out to us. You don’t have to stay stuck, reconnection can be possible. We also offer a free 20-minute phone consultation that you can schedule here!

Author Biography

Tom Henry is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who helps high achieving, busy couples, including parents, to resolve conflicts, communicate clearly, find solutions, and identify the strengths of your relationship so you can rebuild trust, develop a connection, and create mutual respect. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling, and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.