How to Change Toxic Behavior in a Relationship: Do We Need Couples Counseling?

Humans are social creatures. We seek to find connection and love in relationships. We seek to get our needs met in relationships. All of this requires effective communication. So much of what (and how) we say and do affects others, and of course, this goes for what and how others say and do affects us. 

But the truth is that we are all fairly ungainly communicators. Both in what we say and in what we hear, so communication can easily go awry. We end up feeling confused, suspicious, hurt, angry and even lost in our relationships. Perhaps this is happening for you in your relationship. Does this mean that your relationship is toxic?

What Makes a Relationship Toxic?

While conflict and dysfunction can exist in any relationship, even a healthy one, it does not necessarily mean the relationship itself is toxic. Personally and as a professional counselor, I prefer to label certain behaviors as toxic rather than labeling the whole relationship as toxic. 

It is a more flexible and malleable way of viewing what is occurring in the communication pattern of the relationship and provides a more malleable way of changing the communication. So I am hesitant to mark a relationship as “toxic.” 

Toxic behavior patterns tend to exhibit a pattern of negativity where partners cause harm to each other in some way, whether purposeful or not. As a result, the partners involved end up feeling unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. 

Most often, the communication between partners is characterized by what Dr. John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Relationships”. The term “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” refers to a passage of the Bible that foresees patterns of destruction causing the end of the world. Dr. Gottman uses the term to describe communication patterns that will cause the end of a relationship.  The Four Horsemen in relationships identified by Dr. Gottman are, Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt. 

Criticism

Criticizing your partner is an attack and distinct from voicing a complaint. A complaint tends to be about a specific issue, whereas a criticism is a strike against your partner and much more personal. In effect, you are besetting their sense of who they are when you criticize.  “We don’t go out like we used to,” is a complaint.  “You always shut me down when I have an idea,” is a criticism.

In my experience, it is difficult for most people to discern the difference between a complaint and criticism. It is important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt about whether they are criticizing or making a complaint. 

When you have a complaint, it is often better to turn your complaint into a request. This is a much more softer, yet direct approach to helping your partner help you with your needs. While criticizing each other is toxic behavior, it does not necessarily mean your relationship is deep trouble. However, criticizing your partner often leads to the next Horseman: Defensiveness.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness typically follows a criticism. We’ve all been defensive, especially when we feel unjustly accused. We are tempted to counter with excuses, however this approach almost never works and leads to more argumentation and misunderstanding. Our justifications communicate that we are not taking the concerns of our partner seriously. Criticism:  “You never take out the trash!”  Defensiveness:  “Yes I do!  I was just about to take it out right now!”   

Defensiveness is a way of reverse blaming in an effort to avoid responsibility. This leaves your partner feeling alone, and uncared for, and will likely escalate the conflict. Responding non-defensively can express an understanding of your partner’s view point, even if it is exaggerated. “Oops, I forgot. Let me take it out right now.”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from communicating.  Perhaps you shut down, evade or storm off.  Then “the silent treatment” ensues. You passive aggressively act busy and ignore the other.  This is different from suggesting a break from an argument to cool off and to gather your senses. 

If you are feeling too overwhelmed during a conflict, stop the interaction and ask to take a break: “Ok, I’m feeling too weighed down right now to keep going on about this. I need a time out. We can come back to this later (name a specific time). Thanks.” 

Then take some time to care for yourself, to do something that can stop feeling so stressed:  Take a walk, go for a run, watch a funny video – anything that will effectively distract or soothe you and help you get ready to go back to the conversation.

Contempt

Contempt is the most toxic behavior in a relationship. Treating your partner with contempt is disrespecting their whole being. Contempt is criticism-plus. It involves placing yourself above your partner then looking down on them, despising them, degrading/ridiculing them (even subtly). Sarcasm, mimicking, scoffing, putting your partner down in public, and even eye-rolling are contemptuous actions. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

If any of the Four Horseman are showing up in your communication, therapy may be the place to free your relationship from them. Couples counseling can help you and your partner recognize toxic patterns and develop healthier ways of connecting. 

How We Can Help

I enjoy helping couples resolve their conflicts and find solutions that rebuild their trust, connection, and mutual respect. And at Catalyss Counseling, we work with couples who want to strengthen their relationship not by pretending everything’s fine, but by doing the real, honest work together. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation today to see if couples therapy is the right next step for your relationship.

Author Biography

Tom Henry is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who helps high achieving, busy couples, including parents, to resolve conflicts, communicate clearly, find solutions, and identify the strengths of your relationship so you can rebuild trust, develop a connection, and create mutual respect. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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