Understanding How ADHD Shapes Relationship Dynamics

After some time in courtship with your partner, you’re finding yourself increasingly caught in patterns of misunderstandings, frustrations and feelings of disconnection. One of you seems distracted, forgetful, impulsive, and inattentive. While the other ends up constantly covering for the other, getting frustrated, feeling overwhelmed or neglected and even resentful. You may start asking yourself, “How did we get this way?”

Perhaps one of you has ADHD. ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a condition that has inherent symptoms that can have a profound effect on relationships. However, it is very important to understand that ADHD is an innate neuro-cognitive disorder, not a character flaw. It is a confounding constellation of factors that is confusing to all, especially to the partner who has the condition.

Common ADHD Symptoms and How They Affect Relationships

It is important for the partners to become knowledgeable about the effects of ADHD, their impact on relationships and ways to deal with the impacts. These are the common symptoms of ADHD and how they affect relationships:

Inattentiveness 

• Difficulty focusing on what may be important to a partner, such as conversations, emotions and even promises. This symptom can over time erode connection in the relationship. 

Distractibility

• Not following through with tasks or chores, leaving them undone; 

• Difficulty beginning projects or beginning many projects with none of them completed.

Impulsivity 

• Interrupting or talking over the partner when the partner is talking.  Saying tactless words unintentionally wounding the partner’s feelings.

• Making decisions without thinking through the planning or effort it takes to complete the venture...and not consulting with the partner, leaving the partner feeling left out, unequal, and exasperated with dealing with the results of decision with which they did not agree.

Disorganization 

• Lack of order and symmetry in keeping the household in fair shape

• Losing important items and needed documents

• Leaving items lying around, even items that can spoil and smell.

Forgetfulness 

• Forgetting important dates, conversations and even promises, eroding trust in the relationship.

How ADHD Impacts Both Partners

Believing they must keep everything together, the non-ADHD partner may begin to weary of making up for the symptoms the ADHD partner possesses. They may begin to cajole, criticize and even shame their partner, then feeling guilty and wondering if they are asking too much.

The ADHD partner may feel inadequate, unworthy and deflated. They may try to double their efforts to satisfy the non-ADHD partner, but find that their efforts fall short. They may shut down emotionally, and withdraw.

Strategies That May Help

Here are some strategies that may help:

Get educated - Read books; talk with other adults who have ADD; seek a couples counselor who can help you design your dynamics that work for your relationship 

Consult a qualified physician - While medication is not the end-all for treating ADHD (and it is a personal decision whether one chooses to take a medication), learning about the medicinal options for treatment would not hurt. There are several effective medicines that can help improve the symptoms of ADHD, one may be a good fit.

Make it okay to ask for help - Find ways to elicit assistance from your partner; give and receive encouragement; get coaching; join a support group; seek individual and couples counseling

Communicate regularly - Schedule regular time to come together in conversation with minimal distractions; learn to express primary emotions and respond to frustrations and feelings calmly; elicit and identify difficult situations; agree on what is important to the needs of each other

Make organizing a household affair - Schedule times for organizing; delegate responsibilities; structure doable jobs

Make the most of tools - Use calendars, lists, planners and apps to remind and prompt household tasks

Manage Time - Develop systems; establish routines; set timers with realistic timeframes 

How We Can Help

As a couples counselor, I help people in relationships communicate clearly, resolve conflicts and find solutions. Using people’s strengths we work together to rebuild trust, develop connection, and boost what is working in a couple's lives.

If ADHD is impacting your relationship and you’re feeling stuck in cycles of frustration or disconnection, support is available. Couples counseling can help you better understand each other and build systems that work for both partners. Reach out today to learn how counseling can support you and your relationship.

Author Biography

Tom Henry is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who helps high achieving, busy couples, including parents, to resolve conflicts, communicate clearly, find solutions, and identify the strengths of your relationship so you can rebuild trust, develop a connection, and create mutual respect. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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