Unmasking and Learning to Be Yourself Again

Have you ever felt the immediate sense of relief coming home after a long day at work? Maybe you felt the same feeling after being around friends or family. Have you ever wondered what that's about and why it can feel so incredible to get home to your safe space? What is that relief really about? Sometimes it’s just getting into relaxation-mode, but sometimes it can be relief from dropping your mask.

Masking keeps you “on” at work or around our social circle. Sometimes masking can lead to a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness because you are spending so much energy being someone you're not: maybe being someone who fits in or doesn't rock the boat. If you feel like this resonates with you, you're not broken; but you need authenticity.

What does masking actually mean?

 Masking is when we change our behavior to fit in, to stay safe, or to avoid making waves or engage in conflict. Have you ever been in a group discussion where it seems like everybody shares the same opinion except for you? Did it feel safe in that moment to share your differing opinion or did it feel easier to stay quiet, maybe even agree with the group opinion? Have you ever noticed yourself unconsciously copying other people's behavior because it seemed like they fit in easily, and it seems like the right thing to do?

 Masking can take many forms, but those are just a few examples of how it can show up. It can also show up in copying other’s behavior, shrinking your needs or opinions, hiding your true emotions, or people-pleasing—simply putting others first, even if it hurts you.

Why do we learn to mask, and who tends to mask?

Anybody can engage in masking, but oftentimes neurodivergent folks, trauma survivors, queer folks, and highly sensitive people are most at risk of masking. If you fall into one of these groups, you're probably familiar with being “too much”, being needy, or being a black sheep. That can lead to a real sense of exclusion and loneliness.  

So maybe you've learned to mask: “If I act a certain way, hide certain parts of myself, I'll be more accepted and less lonely.” But oftentimes we end up feeling more lonely and more exhausted due to the sheer amount of energy that it takes to be someone else. To constantly monitor other's reactions of you and not having anyone truly know who you are.

We have to hold compassion for the mask: it helped you get through something, it helped you survive.

The cost of masking over time

Masking has its benefits, but it has unseen costs, too. Masking can make you feel like you’re keeping the peace and fitting in better, but it can also lead to burnout. It takes real energy to hide parts of yourself and to be someone else! If you’re feeling chronically tired, anxious, shameful, “fake”, or burnt out, it’s time to re-examine your relationship with yourself and how you’ve been showing up in the world.

What does it look like to unmask?

It might seem like the easy solution is to just… drop the mask. Right? Easier said than done, when masking has become a regular part of your routine. It can feel scary, and unfamiliar to even entertain the idea of unmasking. So, what is unmasking… and what is it not?

Unmasking looks like slowly coming home to yourself. It’s slow, gentle, and allows you to open yourself fully to the world. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you are really feeling, and what you need. Unmasking is not a sudden change of personality, being rude, blunt, or mean, or oversharing with every person you meet. It’s the slow unfolding you’ve been waiting for.

What does coming home to yourself mean? You might notice a few things like:

• Performing less, feeling relaxed more

• Feeling clearer about who you are: what you like, what you don’t

• Saying “no” more often, even when it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable

• Allowing yourself more rest

• Feeling uncomfortable, but also more real!

Okay, so these all might sound good in practice, but how do we actually get there? How can you learn who you are, underneath the mask?

• Notice when you’re performing your song and dance vs. when you feel relaxed

• Ask yourself questions like:

  • “What do I actually want?”

  • “Do I really like this?”

  • “What feels good for me, right now?”

• Experiment with being yourself, and reflecting on what it was like afterwards

How therapy can help you unmask, and learn to be yourself again

If you cringed at any of the above bullet points, or noticed a distinct sense of discomfort, you’re not alone. It can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even scary to entertain the idea of dropping the mask. Therapy can be the place where you can slowly learn to be authentic in a safe space, without judgment. 

The simple experience of having even one person see you authentically, with kindness and without judgment, can be the push forward and encouragement you need to test the waters out in the real world. A group can be even better—getting to be with other folks who feel the same as you. “Oh, it’s not just me!”

How We Can Help

At Catalyss Counseling, we can help you get there. If you're ready to take that first step toward unmasking and learning who you are again, reach out today for a free 20-minute consultation.

Author Biography

Frankie Washofsky is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who works with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, and ADHD, as well as relationship, LGBTQIA+, and polyamory/non-monogamous issues. Frankie is also an avid gamer and blog author. She specializes in working with trauma survivors, highly-sensitive people, and people-pleasers. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.