Why Men Struggle to Ask for Help (And What Finally Makes the Difference)

“Be a man!”

This statement evokes a range of responses that are unique depending upon individual and collective constructs of upbringing, conditioning, values, beliefs, and principles. We are informed on what it is to be a man by our grandfathers, fathers, brothers, leaders, religious figures, and society. 

Although the sources and implications of traditional male narratives may vary, any resulting impact that constrains our exploration of identity is potentially limiting and harmful. These perspectives only serve to stand in the way of developing self-realization and constructing positive masculine qualities. 

What feelings does the statement, “Be a man!” bring to the surface for you? 

How does your desire to “be a man” affect your daily life? 

Do you find yourself wanting to dig deeper into what it may mean to not just be a man, but be a good man? 

Why Asking for Help Is One of the Bravest Things men Can Do

Maybe the most courageous act a man can undertake is to take the first step towards developing the skillset to look within. To be vulnerable and open yourself up to examining the health of your masculinity. If you find yourself intrigued by these questions, individual therapy and a men’s support group made up of likeminded individuals would be an excellent fit for you. Men often thrive within a brotherhood and the support of others that are seeking self-betterment. 

If the idea of asking for help makes you uneasy, pause for a moment and think about how differently men respond to the phrase “be a man”. Think about what that reaction costs not just them, but the important people in their lives. The learned behaviors ingrained in childhood pass on and trickle down generations, placing an immense weight on every individual who hears and internalizes what it means to be a man. 

The Truest Measure of Healthy Masculinity

Perhaps you are told what it is to be a man by other men. But there is another measure worth considering and it may be the most honest one available: the perspective of the women in your life. The grandmothers, mothers, sisters, daughters, and wives in your life are in a unique position to see you clearly. They live closest to the effects of your masculinity. Their experience can tell you something you might rarely think to ask about how you show up as a man.

Instead of focusing on what it means to “be a man” let’s instead rely on the sage advice of one of the founding fathers of philosophy, Socrates, when he said, “Know thyself!” We can cling to our desire for comfort and resist change or we can move towards growth by accepting the discomfort of becoming more. This, my friends, is the nature of healing. 

How Trauma Shapes The Male Identity

Generational trauma and conditioning take a toll. It is not unusual for men to be unaware of their damaging male traits until a loved one points them out. When they do, it is easy to respond defensively. It takes practice to unlearn this response and to be open to the growth that actively listening brings. To be true to yourself and have integrity may mean different things depending on who you talk to. Let me ask you:

How are your “masculine” attitudes and behaviors affecting your loved ones?

Are they serving your need to provide, protect, and be emotionally safe for those around you, thus being a positive male role model for future generations? 

If your answer is, “Yes! Of course!” then read no further. But if you are unsure in your response, know that you are not alone. If you are ready to courageously explore your masculinity, there are resources available to you. Developing values and self-awareness are powerful tools for the masculine in all of us to further our aims of embracing our constantly maturing identities. 

To achieve these goals, being open to the guidance of a therapist who meets you where you are at and helps to bring your vision of positive and proactive masculinity to reality is how you can move from who you’ve been to who you want to become. Saying out loud and with conviction, “I need help”, keeping an open mind, and taking that intentional step forward will put you on the path to changing those ingrained behaviors.

How We Can Help

Taking an honest look at yourself and deciding you want more takes real courage. We offer individual therapy and a Men's Support Group for those ready to explore what healthy masculinity looks like. Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation today and take that first intentional step forward.

Author Biography

Paul Leitner is an intern therapist and a provider for the Affordable Counseling Program at Catalyss Counseling. He works with adults who have ADHD, men, and healthcare workers with anxiety to develop healthy coping skills so you can better manage your work, stress, and important relationships to regain balance in your life.​ Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

---

Other Therapy Services Available at Catalyss Counseling:

Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.