Boundaries for People-Pleasers and Perfectionists

If you’re a people-pleaser or a perfectionist, the word “boundaries” might make you feel a little uneasy. I get it. As a recovering perfectionist, I absolutely struggled with boundaries. I felt selfish or like I was letting someone down. I told myself I’d set boundaries once I had everything under control. Then life kept on life-ing and the cycle of ignoring this need for myself continued.

The reality? Boundaries aren’t a reward for having it all figured out. They’re kindness we give to ourselves and something we use to to start to feel better in the first place.

What Boundaries Actually Are (And Aren’t)

Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself around your time, energy, emotions, and responsibilities. They help you decide what you can reasonably take on and what you can’t. For people-pleasers and perfectionists, boundaries are often missing because you’re used to:

• Automatically saying yes 

• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings

• Believing you should be able to handle everything

• Feeling like rest has to be earned

Boundaries are not a sign of failure. They are information to clarify what you will or won’t participate in so you can function well. They aren’t about controlling others, punishing anyone, or making ultimatums. Ghosting someone without explanation? Also not a boundary. Healthy boundaries invite choice and create clarity, for yourself and others.  

Why People-Pleasers and Perfectionists Need Boundaries (Especially)

If you’re always trying to do things “right” or keep everyone happy, you might feel constantly overwhelmed or exhausted. You replay conversations over and over wondering if you’ve upset someone. Or maybe you struggle to rest without feeling guilt. Maybe you feel resentful toward someone or a specific situation…and then you immediately feel bad about feeling resentful.

Boundaries help break this cycle. They reduce burnout, clarify expectations, and make your relationships more honest. When you stop over-functioning, you give other people the chance to meet you halfway.

And here’s a big one: boundaries protect you from tying your worth to how useful, productive, or agreeable you are.

Why Do Boundaries Feel So Uncomfortable?

For people-pleasers, boundaries can feel like rejection.  For perfectionists, they can feel like failures. You might worry that:

• You’ll disappoint someone

• You’ll be seen as difficult

• You’re not doing “enough”

• You should be able to push through

That discomfort doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. Most of the time, it usually means you’re unlearning patterns that once helped you feel safe, valued, or accepted.

How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without Doing it Perfectly)

You don’t need to overhaul your whole life overnight. Here are a five gentle ways to begin setting boundaries in your life:

1. Pay attention to resentment and exhaustion

Those feelings are clues. If you’re feeling irritated or drained, a boundary is probably needed, even if you can’t name it yet.

2. Practice pausing before you say yes

You don’t owe an immediate answer. Try something like “Let me think about that and get back to you.” That pause alone is a boundary.

3. Aim for clarity, not perfection

You don’t need the perfect wording, and you don’t have to convince anyone. Simple responses are enough:

• “I can’t take that on right now.”

• “I’m not available for this.”

• “I need a break from this conversation.”

4. Let people have their feelings

Someone else’s frustration or disappointment isn’t an emergency you have to fix. You can be kind and hold your limit at the same time.

5. Start small and build

You don’t need to set every boundary at once. Pick one area, like work, family, time, emotional labor, and experiment there.

A Few Gentle Reminders

You’re allowed to have limits without proving you’re exhausted enough. You’re allowed to rest without earning it. And you’re allowed to take up space without being perfect. Boundaries don’t make you less caring or capable. They help you honor your humanity, and that’s more than enough.

How We Can Help

If setting boundaries feels uncomfortable or guilt-inducing, you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Therapy can be a supportive space to unpack people-pleasing and perfectionism. We help you move toward relationships that feel more honest and balanced. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation to explore our individual or group therapy options that meets you right where you are.

Author Biography

Lisa Launer is an intern therapist and a provider for the Affordable Counseling Program at Catalyss Counseling. She works with adults, healthcare workers, and caregivers to manage anxiety, emotional exhaustion, burnout, and perfectionism. Her goal is to create a brave space where you are supported, seen, and heard. Lisa has two decades of work experience in the medical field and enjoys connecting with the natural world. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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