How to Say No Kindly During the Holiday Season

My best idea is for the holidays to be biennial. More anticipation means more excitement for all, right? Unfortunately, since I’ve been unable to convince others in my life that gift giving and receiving is a burden, that holiday music is a travesty, and that nothing can justify the waste that results from all the hype… I’ve had to learn to say, “No.” 

Since no one will ever play the Grinch like Jim Carey, I leverage every relationship skill I have to avoid being cast into this role. So far, once folks realize that saying “no” to the hype doesn’t mean “no” to quality time, good food, or good company I must say I’ve achieved some spectacular results. Honorable mentions include Lobstermas, Comedy Special Christmas, and bust-out-our-formals-but-get-to-stay-home Christmas. Hopefully, these skills help you create the holiday alternatives of your dreams too. 

No Is A Complete Sentence During The Holidays

No is not inherently unkind, but for folks who are still emerging from their people pleasing era, it sure can feel like it. If you’re here because you are literally just looking for ways to gently set some rigid boundaries, this first list is for you. A pro tip is to clearly communicate what feels important (why is optional), say it with respect, and you can soften with gratitude, alternatives, or reassurance. For example:

• “I’m working hard to protect my energy this year so I can actually enjoy the holidays. I’m going to pass this time, but it means a lot that I was invited."

• “I won’t be able to join the big celebration, but I’d really love to connect one-on-one. Could we have a cozy dinner next week instead?”

• “I can’t host this year, it’s more than I can manage. If someone else takes the lead I’m happy to bring a dish or help in a smaller way.”

• “I’m staying local this year to reduce stress. Let’s plan a video call or a visit later in the season.”

• “I can be there for two hours and then I’ll head out. I want to show up in a way that feels good and avoid being overwhelmed."

• “I’m simplifying the holidays this year and that means skipping gift exchanges. I’d still love to celebrate together in ways that don’t involve spending. Maybe a cozy meal, a shared activity, or a game night?”

• “I hear that this tradition is important to you. I still need to decline for myself and I appreciate your understanding.”

If you’re looking to have deeper conversations with your loved ones about how you want to spend your precious time off together, it’s going to take a bit more negotiation. Let’s discuss some skills that might help!

Soften Your Start-up and Create Buy-in

Saying “no” is important for a lot of reasons, but today we’re focusing on how you can honor yourself and others even when there’s disagreement. You may already know that saying yes out of guilt or obligation will lead to resentment, but a flat out “no” may not feel like an adequate alternative either. Especially when you still want to cultivate and maintain your connections. Saying as much right out of the gate can set the tone and create buy-in. 

“Hey, I want to talk about holiday plans. I love spending time with you and I want this year to be meaningful. I’ve noticed I’m feeling stretched thin and I need to scale back a bit. Can we explore options together?”

In this example, there’s no blame, shame, or criticism. The goal is honesty without accusation. You’re setting the other person up for success by reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and you're offering a common goal with an, “us against the problem” approach. This increases the likelihood that you can successfully negotiate or work towards compromise even with something as precious as tradition. 

Getting to Yes

Successful co-creation requires clarity of what’s most important from all parties. You know you need to say “no” but now it’s time for some self-reflection so you can communicate what you do want with clarity. 

• What areas do you feel completely inflexible and where do you have some flexibility? 

• Can you express why your inflexible areas are so important?

• Where is there agreement or common goals?

• How can you reach a compromise? 

As uncomfortable as it can feel to be in disagreement, being honest with yourself and the folks you love is the only way to co-create authentic and meaningful connections. Not only are you taking good care of yourself by not ignoring your feelings, you’re also ensuring that the folks you love most get the real you, not a depleted version. Improving these skills allows you to feel seen, cared for, and valued. Bonus warm fuzzies, you’re offering the same to them by understanding their perspective.  

Disappointment is Not Harm

The most common reason I see for people saying “yes” when they really want to say “no” is because they don’t want to ‘hurt’ someone else. As uncomfortable as it can be, disappointment is normal, not a catastrophe. And it definitely isn’t dangerous or harmful. 

On the flipside, when you disappear or self abandon to protect other’s feelings it can get problematic for everyone fast. Disappointment is normal and letting others feel it is allowing them to be human as well as yourself (reality check: it’s impossible to avoid disappointing folks anyway). Communicating with honesty and care can increase collaboration and help you feel MORE connected, even if it requires an uncomfortable conversation to get there.  

Need More Support This Holiday Season? 

You deserve holidays that feel like yours. Saying no can help you choose ease over obligation, protect your mental health and relationships, and in this case potentially help you create new traditions that feel even more meaningful! If the idea of using these skills or saying “no” feels too scary or overwhelming, you might benefit from working with a therapist who can support you where you’re at today. 

If the thought of setting boundaries or saying "no" this holiday season fills you with dread, remember you're not selfish. You're someone who wants meaningful connection without self-abandonment. Working with a therapist can help you practice saying no with compassion and confidence. You can protect your peace while still honoring the people you care about. Reach out today to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with one of our caring therapists. Let’s work together to make this season more manageable and maybe even more joyful.

Author Biography

Jessica Carpenter is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who works with adults who have experienced stress, grief, trauma, and a variety of relationship issues, including communication and conflict resolution, jealousy and betrayal, affair recovery, LGBTQIA+ community, and polyamory/non-monogamy. Jessica is also a licensed massage therapist, yoga therapist, and TRE provider. She is passionate about making wellness accessible to everyone. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.

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