How to Set Boundaries with Unsupportive Family and Friends

Boundaries are such a buzzword these days, and for good reason! They can do so much in protecting your mental health and giving you a safe space for growth. Boundaries can help you maintain relationships with people that you care about, who may engage in behaviors that aren’t supportive. They help in situations where you don’t want to lose your people; you just can’t continue with this level of exposure to their unsupportive behaviors. How do you limit exposure, maintain relationships, and do so with respect to both your needs and theirs?

Boundaries, baby.

What Healthy Boundaries Actually Mean

It’s important that we first understand what the true definition of a boundary is. Boundaries are not meant to control another person. This is often how they’re framed. However, boundaries are simply meant to be a means of communicating a need in a relationship. These can be set up as an “I” statement.

I feel __________ when _________. I need ______________.

“I feel belittled when my gender is treated as a joke. I need to take some time away from the family group chat.”

“I feel dysregulated when I have to defend my career choices. I need space to take a walk alone.”

“I feel disrespected when my relationship is not treated the same as my siblings’. I need to spend time with people who respect us as partners this holiday.”

Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel So Uncomfortable

Any of these would be a perfectly acceptable statement of a boundary. However, just because they’re acceptable doesn’t make them comfortable or necessarily received with open arms. Be ready for resistance from yourself and from your loved ones.

You are not responsible for how someone reacts to a well-intentioned, justified boundary but that doesn’t make you feel any less responsible in the moment. If there are feelings of guilt, reaffirm yourself. Reassert your boundary to your loved one. You are justified in knowing that this is something you need to feel safe and protected in this relationship.

This boundary will allow the relationship to continue functioning without resentment. In the long term, you are doing more to maintain the relationship by asking for this. Stay confident and feel assured that you’re doing this for yourself and for the relationship.

The Importance of Consistency and Expectations

Consistency with boundaries is also hugely beneficial. The more often you’re able to assert a boundary, the more confident you become in expressing these needs with kindness and care. On the flip side, your loved ones become well-versed in respecting a boundary and have a model in which they can learn how to express their own boundaries, taking care of their own needs in the future. You’re working to benefit your relationship and potentially serving as a model to better their relationships in the future.

The last piece of boundary setting is to try to set the people you care about up for success. If you can give someone a boundary in advance, give them that expectation. Don’t simply be reactionary if you’re already aware of a pattern of behavior. Let them know how you want to be treated, or what has felt bad in the past. From the examples above:

“I felt belittled when my gender was treated as a joke. If that continues to happen, I’ll need to take some time away from the group chat.”

“I felt dysregulated when I had to defend my career choices at dinners the last few times. I need to not talk about my job tonight, or I’ll have to leave early.”

“I feel disrespected when my relationship is not treated the same as my siblings’ relationships. I need to spend time with people who respect us as partners this holiday, if that isn’t you all, we can make other plans.”

These expectations give your loved ones the chance to meet your needs and you’re being proactive in stating them. This is where boundaries can get a bad rap as a method of control. However, if you’re doing this with the intention of maintaining the relationship, in good faith and with realistic expectations of the other party, it’s truly a proactive method of interrupting a bad traumatic pattern.

How Therapy Can Help You Set and Maintain Boundaries

Building the skills to start setting boundaries can feel a lot easier said than done. Therapy can give you the tools to recognize patterns, build self-confidence, practice being assertive, and develop regulation techniques when you’re in the moment of confrontation. If you’re interested in starting therapy to tackle these skills, schedule a free 20-minute consultation today!

Author Biography

Chryssiana McGilvrey is an intern therapist and a provider for the Affordable Counseling Program at Catalyss Counseling. She works with adults experiencing anxiety, ADHD, as well as grief, LGBTQIA+, and autism. Chryssiana is very passionate about counseling and holding space for others in moments of vulnerability. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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