Understanding Your Mind Map: How It Shapes Your Relationship

The term “mind map” describes how you perceive yourself and how your world views colors what you do and how you respond to each other. With this blog, I will discuss how mind maps influence your communications with others. And by changing your mind (map), you can change your maps and become clearer with your communications.

Self-Talk: The Silent Partner in Every Relationship

Whether you are aware of it or not, you talk to yourself constantly throughout the day. In fact, the average adult has around 800 random thoughts per day. It is called “self-talk.” And it is this self-talk that you use to make sense of your life. Self-talk can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy.

As you go through your days, you comment on everything you do and everything that happens around you, whether you are listening to music, driving in your car, working on a big project, or enjoying dinner with friends. We tend to see things not as they are, but as we are. However, most of us never think about how we think – we take for granted what goes through our minds, just like we take for granted the air that we breathe.

The Role of Mal-Adaptive Self-Talk in Couples Conflicts

As a couples therapist, being alert to people’s dialogues and self-talk, I help smart folks discover new ways of framing their sense of reality using their strengths. And then I help them to practice these discoveries for lasting change.  

It is easy to think that situations and people are the cause of your responses and feelings – and the source of your stress. But taking a closer look, it becomes clear that no one and nothing can make you feel stressed, angry, sad, envious, or inadequate except yourself and the way you make sense of things in your “mind map.”

Some self-talk can really get you going, causing your heart to pound, palms to sweat, muscles to tense, voice to raise and even your actions to aggress or withdraw. This kind of self-talk can be labeled “mal-adaptive,” because it does not help you adapt in productive ways to situations and the people around you (reality) – especially your loved ones. 

A Tool for Stronger Connections

Other kinds of self-talk can help you resolve conflicts, understand lucidly, deal with ambiguity, go with the flow, and get through life’s inevitable problems without making them worse. This is called “adaptive” self-talk. 

When someone does or says something and you get mad about it, it is typical to say to yourself, “Who do they think they are! They have no right to do that! They should mind their own business!” But think about it, can you rightly claim that they made you mad?  You could just as fittingly say to yourself, “They’re really having a bad day,” and let it go. 

In fact, Dr. John Gottman, a foremost researcher in couples relationships, stated that happy couples give each other “the benefit of the doubt” when in conflict. This involves checking your mind map to adapt in ways that help your relationships, instead of increasing conflict.

How to Reframe Your Mind Map During Relationship Stress

How do you identify mal-adaptive self-talk and adopt adaptive ways of talking to yourself? The next time you begin to feel stressed out, take a deep breath and pay attention to your internal dialogue. What is your “map” telling you about the situation you are in? Then ask yourself these questions:

• Is the situation really that awful?

• What can I learn from this situation?  

• How does this situation make me a bad person?

• What are my options in this situation?

Sometimes there is only a subtle difference between an adaptive thought and a mal-adaptive one, in your mind. Nonetheless, this small difference can make a big difference between getting all stressed out and remaining calm and alert. Or between causing discord and getting along with others, between pushing others away and keeping them close, between going raving mad and managing effectively.

Taking Control of Your Relationship’s Narrative

Remember, you are in charge of your “mind map” and you can choose how you think about yourself and your world. Stress is sometimes not caused by something that happens to you; it is something you talk yourself into. 

Your mind map shapes how you connect and communicate with your partner. If you’re ready to break free from negative patterns, improve communication, and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, couples counseling can help.

Our expert couples counselors specialize in helping couples reframe their mind maps, develop adaptive communication skills, and deepen their connection. Take the first step toward a healthier relationship with Catalyss Counseling by scheduling a free 20-minute phone consultation.

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Author Biography

Tom Henry is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who helps high achieving, busy couples, including parents, to resolve conflicts, communicate clearly, find solutions, and identify the strengths of your relationship so you can rebuild trust, develop a connection, and create mutual respect. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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Here at Catalyss Counseling, we want to meet all of your counseling needs in the Denver area. Our supportive therapists provide depression counseling, therapy for caregiver stress, grief and loss therapy, stress management counseling, and more. We also have specialists in trauma and PTSD, women's issues, pregnancy and postpartum depression or anxiety, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and birth trauma. For therapists, we can also provide clinical supervision! We look forward to connecting with you to help support your journey today.