Exploring Your LGBTQIA+ Identity as an Adult: The Power of Community

Frankie Washofsky
11 hours ago
5 min read

An adult looking to explore their LGBTQIA+ identity and why community and therapy can help them find themselves

For a lot of queer folks, queerness and community go hand in hand. You look at Pride Month or events like Pride parades and you see people who are confident in their queer identities. But, for a lot of people, exploring their LGBTQIA+ identity might still be in process. There are a lot of folks who figure out these identities in middle school or in high school, but for many, it happens a lot later.

Maybe there's a part of you that's always felt different but couldn't put your finger on why. Maybe you grew up in a family or a community where being LGBTQIA+ wasn't talked about or wasn't safe to explore or identify with. Maybe you spent years trying to be that person you thought you were supposed to be, wondering if there's something wrong with you.

The good part is that there's no real deadline for discovering who you are. Sometimes it's easy to look at people who seemingly have it figured out and wonder why you're not them. Especially during or after Pride Month where confidence and celebrations are high, instead of being left inspired, you're left feeling confused and alone.

Know yourself, know yourself, know yourself: as long as it takes

It's common as an adult to begin questioning your identity after a major life change. Whether it’s is a relationship ending, a career change, your children growing up, or even being in a position where you have enough safety and stability to explore these lesser known parts of yourself. Maybe you’ve found yourself wondering:

Why have I always felt different?
Why do I feel more like myself around queer folks?
Is this identity a part of who I am, and I am afraid to accept it?
Is some of my envy related to wanting freedom to be myself?
What if it’s not too late to figure all of this out?

Here's the deal, it's not about having it all figured out or having all the answers right away. It's about giving yourself the grace and time to explore these parts of yourself. We can spend lifetimes getting to know our family members, our friends, our romantic partners, but sometimes we can ignore the relationship we need to build with ourselves.

It’s okay and normal to grieve.

So, it can be an intensely joyful process to hone in on who you are and who you are as a queer person. Especially with Pride Month, there is a lot of focus on pride (of course), joy, confidence, and strength. While all these things are so integral to the queer experience and are so necessary (and, we could always use more of them)...sometimes, you can forget to grieve.

Grieve what?

The years you spent hiding parts yourself. The life you might have had if you'd known sooner. Maybe you feel sadness for the younger version of you who didn't have the safety and security you do now. It doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, it just means that you are honoring the whole experience.

Community can change everything.

One of the hardest parts of life can be exploring your identity, whether that's related to your career goals, hobbies, interests, values, or your LGBTQIA+ identity. Even harder yet is feeling like you're doing it alone. It can feel isolating and lonely when the people around you haven't had a similar experience, or you worry that people around you won't understand.

This is where community can be incredibly healing. If you've ever felt alone and heard someone share a story that sounds like yours, you know the positive impact that can have. You realize you're not the only one. You see people who came out later in life. You hear from other people who are still figuring things out. You find people who understand what it's like for this to be a process of discovering yourself, not immediately knowing all the answers.

Community reminds us that there isn't one right way to be LGBTQIA+.

Community doesn’t grow on trees, so where do you find it?

It's nice to talk about having a loving and supporting community, but the challenge can be finding your people.

Again, it can feel like there's only one right way to be queer, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. For some people it will be attending every single Pride event that they can during the month of June:

Drag bunches
Parades
Clothing swaps, oh my!

For you, it might mean joining:

A queer-friendly book club
Hiking group
Recreational sports league
Even a Dungeons & Dragons group.

If you’re in Colorado like I am, there’s even queer rodeos! Start small, and pay attention to how you feel afterwards. You might be surprised to find just how refreshed, validated, and understood you feel after interacting with other queer folks.

I emphasize community in this blog because I want to remind you that joy is just as important as doing the healing work that can be done in therapy. While therapy is an incredible support for queer folks as you explore yourself, community is just as important so you can be seen and celebrate yourself.

More than anything, it's okay and normal that it takes time to find your people. Look at it this way, every small step you take towards building connection is also a step you take towards knowing yourself.

Where can therapy fit in?

It's easy enough to talk about going out, meeting people, putting yourself out there, and making new friends and community. But, sometimes that's not the hardest part, it's the doubtful voice inside your head. Maybe you're wondering if you're making all of this up or even if you're queer enough… this is where therapy can help support you.

Therapy isn’t a replacement for community. But, individual therapy can give you a space where you don't have to rush towards finding the answers. You get to explore what feels true for you and find strength in that confident and supportive voice instead of having the doubtful voice run the show.

If you notice an abundance of fear, shame, self-doubt, or internalized messages, therapy may be the right move. Therapy can help you build confidence in yourself, better understand your identity, navigate coming out, and help you learn to trust your own experiences. And, best of all, therapy offers a space where you don't have to perform, pretend, or blend in.

Exploring with you, side by side

At Catalyss Counseling, we know that exploring your LGBTQIA+ identity can be a confusing, joyful, and a sometimes-messy process. Wherever you are in your journey we are here to support you.

Our therapists are queer-affirming and and believe that you deserve a space where you could ask questions and process your experiences and be your authentic self.

How We Can Help

If you're ready to take the next step towards knowing yourself and finding community, reach out to us today. We'd be honored to explore with you, by your side every step of the way.

Author Biography

Frankie Washofsky is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who works with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, and ADHD, as well as relationship, LGBTQIA+, and polyamory/non-monogamous issues. Frankie is also an avid gamer and blog author. She specializes in working with trauma survivors, highly-sensitive people, and people-pleasers. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.