Communication in Relationships: Why Listening Is the Missing Piece

Probably the most common issue I hear about when couples come to me in therapy is communication.

“We have trouble communicating...”  

In many ways this is not, but still is, the main issue. What I mean by that is people come to therapy at an impasse. They’re stuck. On one level they seem to be communicating very clearly, and often adamantly, about what they do not like in the relationship (usually with the other person). Yet on another level their intents and wishes get garbled and twisted.

Alert to people’s dialogues and non-verbal cues, I encourage folks to discover new ways of relating using their strengths and to practice these ways for lasting change. My goal, as a couples counselor, is to go beyond helping people resolve their current crisis and help set them on a path that enhances the meaning and quality of their lives and connects them more deeply to their values, loved ones, and community.

Why Blame and Defensiveness Are Killing Your Communication

One of the first steps I emphasize is encouraging couples to let go of their blame and defensiveness so that they can listen to their partner better. Communication is not just telling the other what you want or don’t want; what they like or don’t like. Communication is a circle of relatedness made up of messages, filters and feedback loops all interacting seamlessly in a stream of words, gestures, body language and voice inflection.  

This process can get complicated fairly quickly and couples get lost, straying from what is really important only to find that they are “dug in” their respective foxholes, or walking on eggshells around each other. The most important and difficult part of this process is listening, actively listening and feeding back to the other person what you are hearing from them. All humans have a deep need to feel valuable and important, and we can help them by listening. It is the foundation of intimacy.

How to Practice Active Listening With Your Partner

Try making your next encounter with your partner an exercise in really hearing what they are saying. It doesn’t have to be about a problem in the relationship. It could be just a conversation about what kind of day they had. Listen. Try not to interrupt. Don’t just say, “I understand,” instead reflect back to your partner what you understand about what they are saying. 

Validate, even if you disagree. Keep away from defensiveness and avoid words like “but” and “however”. Focus your gaze on their face and body language, try not to let your eyes wander elsewhere while they are talking. Show that you are paying attention by asking relevant questions. Move the conversation forward and require your partner to talk.

The main aim of this exercise is to allow the other person to feel that he or she is important. If you can accomplish that objective, who knows what you can discover. You may discover hidden interests or gifts in your partner that you really didn’t know before that you genuinely relate with. Although you may feel backed up on your heels as you focus on the other person, you may notice that the more you let go of your need to shine, the more you may shine in the other person’s eyes.

How We Can Help

Good communication is less about finding the right words and more about truly hearing the person in front of you. If you and your partner feel stuck, like you're talking past each other more than connecting, couples therapy can help you break that cycle.

We work with couples ready to move beyond the impasse and build something more meaningful. Schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation today to take that first step together.

Author Biography

Tom Henry is a therapist with Catalyss Counseling who helps high achieving, busy couples, including parents, to resolve conflicts, communicate clearly, find solutions, and identify the strengths of your relationship so you can rebuild trust, develop a connection, and create mutual respect. Follow Catalyss Counseling on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram.

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